Dear Citizens, the Chancellor would like to share her thoughts on our successful resolution of the so-called Eurocrisis.
I pay tribute to the work of our dedicated team, led by Wolfgang 'The Wolf' Schäuble. By trapping Evangelos Venizelos in the gents with his wheelchair at 2am, within sight of a tray of cheeseburgers, Wolfgang was successful in extracting vital concessions in the German interest, thus maintaining European stability through my continued Chancellorship.
Playing velvet glove to Wolfgang's iron fist, President Herman 'Almost German' Van Rompuy cleverly disguised his natural cunning under the guise of absurd optimism. His blind faith in the EFSF created a smokescreen of laughter sufficient to distract from that tiresome Debt Sustainability Report.
Finally, by threatening to share details of Nicolas' 'little problem' with the press room Christine 'Hard' Lagarde succeeded in delivering a very welcome French contribution from the Élysée's Jacques Chirac memorial sweetener fund.
The less said about Olli 'Moody' Rehn's little outburst the better.
It is clear that in delivering this crushing blow against the doubters and speculators of Wall Street, Downing Street and Roubini Global Economics we have strengthened our great European economy and reinforced our shared ideals of democracy, transparency and equality.
So as we look forward I say, think European, buy German and invest freely in Greece, so long as your own money is not at risk.
With best wishes from the Chancellor